Tolerating Undone — Learning to Trust Yourself When Everything Isn’t Finished
By Donae, OT & Executive Function Coach
If you live with ADHD, you probably know the feeling of always being behind. You set big goals and imagine the day when everything on your list will finally be “done.”
Here’s the truth: most of adulting doesn’t stay done.
Laundry, bills, emails, cleaning, we're usually in a cycle of managing life and it all comes back around. Big projects (like finishing a degree or renovating a kitchen) can be checked off, but the rest? It’s a cycle of keeping track, prioritizing, and showing up for what matters.
So instead of chasing the illusion of being “caught up,” let’s talk about what it means to trust yourself, even when things are undone.
Redefine “Done” as “Self Trust”
Ask yourself: What does trusting myself mean?
- Maybe it’s not paying late fees anymore.
- Maybe it’s showing up when you say you will.
- Maybe it’s making time for things that matter—your growth, play, and connection.
Set that as your goal, not checking off every task.
Expect to Keep Monitoring and Prioritizing
Part of the appeal of the fantasy of getting caught up is that mentally managing our responsibilities is hard! Adult life is a constant dance of deciding what matters most and getting those things done. If you struggle to keep track or prioritize (hello, ADHD), remember that those are skills. You can build them over time.
The key is learning to create systems that allow you to trust that you’ll get to what’s important (without needing panic mode to push you).
Get Real About Time
A to-do list that adds up to 48 hours of work in one day will overwhelm anyone.
Try estimating how long tasks take. You’ll get better with practice—and you’ll start to see how much actually fits into a day. (Spoiler: it’s less than we think.)
Try estimating how long tasks take. You’ll get better with practice—and you’ll start to see how much actually fits into a day. (Spoiler: it’s less than we think.)
Break It Down
Big projects feel impossible until you break them into steps you can actually do.
Instead of “redo the website,” start with “write the About page.” Seeing smaller steps builds confidence—and helps you keep moving.
Instead of “redo the website,” start with “write the About page.” Seeing smaller steps builds confidence—and helps you keep moving.
Don’t Look at Everything at Once
If you have ADHD, seeing every undone thing at once can be paralyzing.
Keep a “dump list” of everything, but only pull from it weekly. Each day, focus on a few priorities—not the whole mountain.
Keep a “dump list” of everything, but only pull from it weekly. Each day, focus on a few priorities—not the whole mountain.
Create Systems for Things Without Deadlines
We all have tasks that don’t scream for attention but still matter—like calling a friend or working out.
Set reminders, schedule them, or build habits so you can count on yourself to follow through, not just on urgent things but on meaningful ones.
Set reminders, schedule them, or build habits so you can count on yourself to follow through, not just on urgent things but on meaningful ones.
Include You in the Plan
Managing undone doesn’t mean pushing yourself until you crash.
It means creating space for rest, fun, and connection—because you’ll actually get more done when you take care of yourself.
It means creating space for rest, fun, and connection—because you’ll actually get more done when you take care of yourself.
The Real Goal
“Caught up” is a myth.
What’s real—and worth working toward—is trusting yourself to show up for what matters, at a pace that works for you.
What’s real—and worth working toward—is trusting yourself to show up for what matters, at a pace that works for you.
Your to-do list may never be done, but you can still feel grounded, capable, and in control.
If you are looking for more support in this area, here are some ways I can help:
Learn more here individual coaching | group coaching
You know those days when brushing your teeth feels like climbing a mountain? Or your bathroom, your clothes, your space all feel like obstacle courses? If you have ADHD, self-care and hygiene can carry real challenges and be layered with shame.
In this blog, I’m walking you through 3 no-shame, functional tips to help you care for your body and environment in a way that respects your brain.
1. Start with Executive Functioning Awareness
Self-care isn’t just about motivation—it’s about skills like sequencing, prioritizing, decision-making, and transitions.
- Example: deciding when to shower (before work? after gym?) becomes a whole planning task.
- Habits help reduce that daily friction—but too many habits can feel oppressive.
- Also, your space plays a role: if things aren’t organized or accessible, the thought of retrieving what you need can drain your brain before you even begin.
Recognizing these functional barriers is step one!
2. Reduce Friction by Respecting Sensory & Environmental Needs
Your senses matter. What feels tolerable to others may feel overwhelming to you.
- Maybe mint toothpaste feels burning—try gentler flavors.
- Maybe the bathroom is too cold after showering—consider a space heater or quick robe.
- Organize your space so that needed items are easy to reach, creating flow.
- Recognize that transitions (switching tasks) cost you energy—use external cues or announcements to help your brain jump.
- Give yourself permission to do things differently—fold clothes quickly, roll them, keep toothbrush stations elsewhere if it helps.
These tweaks aren’t "wastes of time", they’re smart adaptations that can make a difference if self care is tricky for you.
3. Believe, Experiment & Compassionately Problem Solve
This one is the heart of my approach: believe yourself. If something is hard, don’t pretend it isn’t or shame yourself because it "shouldn't be".
- Be curious: what is exactly hard? Where’s the friction?
- Experiment: it's ok to pick “wrong” or “imperfect” ways of doing things.
- Look at the point of action (the moment you struggle most) and ask what you can change there.
- Offer yourself compassion: this isn’t moral. It’s functional. Over time, you can adjust, refine, and find what works for your brain.
Conclusion:
Struggling with self-care isn't a moral issue, it's a function issue. When you treat hygiene and body care as functional puzzles, not moral tests, you free yourself to problem-solve, adapt, and build routines that respect you.
Struggling with self-care isn't a moral issue, it's a function issue. When you treat hygiene and body care as functional puzzles, not moral tests, you free yourself to problem-solve, adapt, and build routines that respect you.
If you are looking for more support in this area, here are some ways I can help:
Learn more here individual coaching | group coaching
Transitioning from high school to college is a big leap for any student, but with ADHD it can really feel like being thrown in the deep end! The structure, reminders, and frequent grading that often exist in high school creates a kind of scaffolding for students. In college, that changes.
Students are expected to build the structure themselves and have less built- in support. The result? Overwhelm, missed deadlines, burnout, and struggle.
It doesn't have to be that way. With the right planning and support, you can set yourself up for a smooth college transition with ADHD.
10 Brain Friendly Tips For College Success
Here are 10 practical, no-shame strategies to help you set up a more ADHD‑friendly semester. This isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a good jumping off point for the beginning of the semester.
For those who had high school supports in place, this is not the time to drop them! You can always cut back on accommodations later, but having them in place during a big transition can help you avoid early overwhelm.
If you're diagnosed with ADHD and don't have accommodations, you may want to consider if adjustments like extended time on tests, preferential registration, or note-taking assistance would benefit you.
If you're applying for these in college, you'll need to meet with your school's disability services and provide documentation of your diagnosis. The earlier you can do that, the better.
Caveat: I've seen open-ended or super-extended deadlines for projects and assignments backfire for students. When this happens, it's often because the extensions eliminate the sense of urgency that helps them get started and they end up procrastinating and even more behind. You'll want to create some external deadlines to help you stay on track if you have an extended time accommodation on projects.
2. Schedule classes with your brain in mind
If mornings aren’t your thing (common with ADHD), avoid back-to-back early classes. Register early so you don’t get stuck with less than ideal slots (that might mean setting a reminder in your calendar of when registration opens).
If mornings aren’t your thing (common with ADHD), avoid back-to-back early classes. Register early so you don’t get stuck with less than ideal slots (that might mean setting a reminder in your calendar of when registration opens).
If you have accommodations, early registration might be one to add- this can help you build a schedule that maximizes your energy and focus.
Consider leaving some buffer time between classes for brain resets and map out where your classes will be so you know you have enough time to make it to each one!
3. Do a full “semester setup day”
Once you get your syllabus and course info, spend time entering all due dates, weights, quizzes, projects into your calendar system. Including the "weight" of different assignments will help you be able to prioritize when needed. Mapping out course expectations early allows you to plan ahead instead of chasing surprises later.
Once you get your syllabus and course info, spend time entering all due dates, weights, quizzes, projects into your calendar system. Including the "weight" of different assignments will help you be able to prioritize when needed. Mapping out course expectations early allows you to plan ahead instead of chasing surprises later.
4. Read your syllabus (seriously)
Syllabi are your professor’s cheat sheet- they tell you what you need to be successful in that class: grading scheme, expectations, schedule. Collect the important information it provides and input it into your system. This will help you get oriented and avoid extra effort later.
Syllabi are your professor’s cheat sheet- they tell you what you need to be successful in that class: grading scheme, expectations, schedule. Collect the important information it provides and input it into your system. This will help you get oriented and avoid extra effort later.
5. Build daily habits around email & assignments
Set a consistent time each day to review emails and assignment boards. Missed announcements or miscommunications can create chaos and derail your semester fast.
Set a consistent time each day to review emails and assignment boards. Missed announcements or miscommunications can create chaos and derail your semester fast.
6. Do a weekly review / planning session
Look ahead to get a "bird's eye view" of all your classes and spot heavy weeks, overlapping deadlines, or conflicts. This gives you time to adjust or ask for help before you’re scrambling.
Look ahead to get a "bird's eye view" of all your classes and spot heavy weeks, overlapping deadlines, or conflicts. This gives you time to adjust or ask for help before you’re scrambling.
7. Identify your “sweet spot” study spaces
Silent libraries may not always be best for people with ADHD. You might need more stimulation (coffee shop hum, ambient music) in order to focus. Every person is different, so pay attention to the balance you need. Scout 2–3 options in advance so you have backup when one isn’t available.
Silent libraries may not always be best for people with ADHD. You might need more stimulation (coffee shop hum, ambient music) in order to focus. Every person is different, so pay attention to the balance you need. Scout 2–3 options in advance so you have backup when one isn’t available.
8. Notice how you learn
Recognize if you’re a more visual, auditory, or tactile learner. (You may even enjoy all 3). If lectures are mostly auditory and that's not your preferred method to digest information, find ways to supplement (record, get slides in advance, make concept maps, use transcription tools). Use multi-sensory strategies when possible.
Recognize if you’re a more visual, auditory, or tactile learner. (You may even enjoy all 3). If lectures are mostly auditory and that's not your preferred method to digest information, find ways to supplement (record, get slides in advance, make concept maps, use transcription tools). Use multi-sensory strategies when possible.
9. Be mindful about medication & logistics
If you're using ADHD medication, plan ahead: know how and where to refill in a new area, storage rules, and set firm boundaries about sharing (don’t). Be proactive in communicating with prescribing professionals so you're not running out of medication when you need it most.
If you're using ADHD medication, plan ahead: know how and where to refill in a new area, storage rules, and set firm boundaries about sharing (don’t). Be proactive in communicating with prescribing professionals so you're not running out of medication when you need it most.
10. Plug into external accountability & supports
You don’t have to "white knuckle" things. Use study groups, tutoring labs, instructional labs, or body-doubling to create support and accountability. These external structures can help you get going and stay on track.
You don’t have to "white knuckle" things. Use study groups, tutoring labs, instructional labs, or body-doubling to create support and accountability. These external structures can help you get going and stay on track.
Bonus tip: Don’t forget self care. Sleep, nutrition, movement aren’t optional; they affect how well your brain functions and your academic performance.
College may not come with built-in scaffolding, but with foresight, systems, and self-awareness, you can build your own structure that works for you. With strategies that are sustainable, flexible, and designed for your brain, you can have a successful transition!
Need more help working with your brain? Reach out for 1:1 or group coaching support here.
If you live with ADHD, chances are shame has shown up for you... often. When you think of making changes, you might not consider how shame can block growth, but I see it every day in my practice (as well as in my own life)!
Clients rarely come to a session and say, “I want to work on shame.” They want help with planning, time management, organization, emotional regulation, relationships, or communication. But shame can be deeply relevant to all of these.
Why Shame Stops Us from Solving Problems
Why? Shame blocks problem solving.
Curiosity and openness are essential if want to create solutions. Shame is the opposite and therefore has the opposite impact.
Instead of saying, “Let me look at this, learn more, dig in,” shame triggers hiding, withdrawal, or defensiveness.
When we believe we're the problem, we stop looking for solutions because the only answer is to “be better and try harder”.
For people with ADHD, that’s especially dangerous.
"Trying harder" won't offer real, lasting solutions and will likely result in frustration and burn out. Coaching (and working with your brain in general) is about looking at where you are, figuring out what’s getting in the way, strategizing, and personalizing your approach.
Shame interrupts that process by flooding us with inner labels like “lazy,” , “flaky,” “disappointing.” Those stories become loud, judgmental narratives we tell ourselves and they immobilize us.
Real Life Example
Here’s a simple example: you told yourself you’d check your calendar every morning this week. But midweek, you haven’t. Shame is the harsh judge. It whispers: “See, here we go again. You always fail at this.”
Shame also says “ignore, hide, pretend it didn’t happen.” It doesn’t ask, “What got in your way? What actually happened? What would help next time?”
But the opposite stance — curiosity — invites exploration.
Instead of “Why did I fail?” (which sparks defensiveness and shut down), you ask, “How did it not happen? What did that look like? Where was the friction? What got in the way?”
That Leads to Real Solutions
Maybe you:
- Forgot you were going to check it
- Got overwhelmed when you looked at all of the planner options
- Weren't clear about what to put in the planner
- Didn't have a clear time planned for checking itEach of these has its own possible solution. But the shame narrative skips all of this curious problem solving and goes straight to “I’m broken.” That leaves us stuck and discouraged.
A Better Path: Curiosity, Compassion, and Connection
So how do you shift away from shame and toward growth? Here are some practices to try:
1. Prioritize Self‑Compassion
Treat compassion like a muscle to build. It’s okay if it’s hard- most people aren’t good at this. It took me a long time to build this muscle, but it's probably one of the most significant steps I've made in supporting my brain. You deserve patience, kindness, and real solutions.
Treat compassion like a muscle to build. It’s okay if it’s hard- most people aren’t good at this. It took me a long time to build this muscle, but it's probably one of the most significant steps I've made in supporting my brain. You deserve patience, kindness, and real solutions.
2. Get Support & Connection
Shame thrives in isolation. Share with people who “get it” (a friend, coach, therapist, ADHD community). When you say out loud, “I messed up,” and someone responds, “Me too,” it breaks the secrecy and softens the shame.
Shame thrives in isolation. Share with people who “get it” (a friend, coach, therapist, ADHD community). When you say out loud, “I messed up,” and someone responds, “Me too,” it breaks the secrecy and softens the shame.
3. Stay Curious and Stop Assuming !
The next time you notice shame creeping in, pause. Don’t assume you know all the story. Shift into detective mode, not judge mode. Ask yourself what’s happening — what part of the environment, the task, or your internal experience blocked you. What small experiment could you try next?
Shame happens, but by leaning into compassion, curiosity, and supportive relationships, you can reduce the impact and open the door to more consistent action, growth, and confidence.
The next time you notice shame creeping in, pause. Don’t assume you know all the story. Shift into detective mode, not judge mode. Ask yourself what’s happening — what part of the environment, the task, or your internal experience blocked you. What small experiment could you try next?
Shame happens, but by leaning into compassion, curiosity, and supportive relationships, you can reduce the impact and open the door to more consistent action, growth, and confidence.
Need more support for ADHD?
Navigating the world with ADHD often involves developing a skill known as masking, where individuals suppress their true selves to fit in. This practice, however, can lead to burnout and disconnection. The blog post delves into the distinction between masking and problem-solving, using relatable examples like interrupting conversations and classroom stimming. Instead of silencing one's traits, it advocates for a collaborative approach, emphasizing creativity and empathy without self-censorship. Personal anecdotes illustrate the profound impact of masking, highlighting how it sometimes blocks authentic connections and opportunities. As the article encourages, understanding and embracing one's ADHD traits can lead to more genuine interactions and a better balance between self-expression and social harmony.
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