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The word “lazy” is thrown around a lot — especially when we’re frustrated with ourselves for not doing something we think we should be doing. But what if laziness isn't the real issue?
What if what we label as laziness is something else — like stuckness, overwhelm, or other unmet needs?
What We Think Laziness Means
The definition of laziness is an unwillingness to take action or do hard work.
When you assume that your difficulty with getting going is that you don't care or are willingly staying stuck, you’re shutting the door on the real problem-solving that will get you un-stuck.
Once you (or someone else) is labeled as lazy, there's no room for curiosity, strategy, or compassion — only blame and shame.
And shame never leads to solutions, just more paralysis.
What’s Actually Going On?
In my coaching work, I haven't met one person who struggled because they were truly lazy.
What I see instead are people who are:
- Stuck because they don’t know how to start
- Overwhelmed because the task is too big or unclear
- Tired — mentally or physically — but can’t give themselves permission to rest
- Uncertain about what’s important or how to prioritize
These are all signs of executive functioning challenges, not moral failure.
The "Am I Lazy?" Flowchart
To help you self-coach through these moments, I created the “Am I Lazy?” Flowchart. It walks you through simple questions like:
- Am I enjoying myself right now?
- Do I need rest?
- Is there a real consequence if I don’t take action?
- Is this task important to me?
- Is there something that makes this feel hard?
Spoiler alert: Almost every path on the chart leads to stuckness, not laziness. And that’s a good thing — because laziness is a dead-end, but stuckness can be worked with!
5 Powerful Truths to Remember
1. “Lazy” isn’t a personality trait — it’s a label for stuckness.
Let’s stop judging and start strategizing.
2. Rest is a need, not a reward.
Many people with ADHD feel guilty about resting. But without rest, you’ll burn out before you even get started.
3. Motivation problems are often strategy problems.
If you don’t know how to break a task down or where to start, of course you’re stuck. It’s not about trying harder — it’s about trying differently.
4. Not everything is a priority.
ADHD can make everything feel urgent — but learning to discern what truly matters is a skill, and one that can be strengthened!
5. You’re not lazy. You just need a system that works with your brain.
The right strategies make action easier — without the burnout or guilt.
So, What's Next?
➡️ Use the flowchart. Seriously, take yourself through the steps. It can help you shift from judgment to problem-solving.
➡️ Practice curiosity. What’s making this task hard? What would make it easier?
➡️ Get support. Whether it’s coaching, community, or tools that work for your brain, you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
If you need more help, here are some ways I can help:
Is There a Perfect Planner for ADHD?
If you have ADHD, you’ve probably been on the perfect planner quest more than once. You're NOT alone!
We're looking for that one magical tool that will finally help us stay on top of our time, responsibilities, and life in general.
Maybe you've bought a new beautiful planner full of hope, used it for a few weeks, and then forgot about it. You probably decided that the planner didn’t work, or worse- that you couldn't make it work.
Let’s just clear this up now: you’re not broken, and it’s neither was your planner.
The issue isn’t whether or not you have the right planner—it's whether you’re using a full time system that works with your brain.
Let’s break that down.
Part 1: Collection – What a Planner Actually Does
Planners and calendars are often treated like the whole solution—but they’re not.
They're just one piece of the puzzle. Their main function? Collecting information. A calendar, planner, or even a dump list helps you store:
- Appointments
- Responsibilities
- Tasks and reminders
- Time-sensitive info
- Goals and ideas
Your brain is not meant to be your storage space! It’s for thinking, creating, planning—not remembering everything.
So yes, you do need an external system for storing all of this, but that system has to go beyond “just write it down.”
Prioritizing Is a Skill—And Skills Can Be Strengthened
One of the reasons planners often “fail” for ADHD brains is because prioritizing isn’t easy for us. Everything feels equally urgent—and it can be so overwhelming that we can't even start.
This is where many ADHD folks get stuck: we dump our thoughts into a list (yay!) but then when we try to use that 3-page-long list as our daily to-do list we shut down.
If you use your things to do list this way, you're OVERWHELMING yourself with that list.
By looking at much more than you can possibly get done in a day, you're asking your brain to:
- Visually scan a ton of information
- Sequence it
- Judge the time things will take
- Filter for urgency and importance
- Regulate emotional overwhelm that comes with looking at TOO MUCH AT ONCE
That’s a lot of executive functioning all at once—and it burns you out.
Part 2: Retrieval – How TO RETRIEVE and USE What You've Collected
In this piece of your time system, you're retrieving and applying all of the info you've collected.
Most people with ADHD don’t have a solid plan for what to do with the info once it's in their planner or calendar.
That’s how we end up driving to soccer practice without the snacks we were supposed to bring, showing up for a meeting without our notes, or forgetting our doctor's appointment all together.
Here’s one way (but not the only way) to retrieve and apply the tasks you "collect" to your day to day life:
- Weekly Review: Every Sunday evening, look ahead to the coming week. What big energy days are coming? What time commitments do you have? What prep can you do in advance? What projects need intentional time blocks?
- Daily Review (Morning & Evening):
- In the morning, check only today’s plan (to avoid overwhelm).
- In the evening, glance ahead at tomorrow to mentally walk through it and prep anything that might make your day smoother- put those soccer snacks in the car, your notes for the meeting in your backpack, consider the times you'll need to leave if you're driving somewhere, etc.).
You’re planning with your future self in mind. You're not just writing down tasks—you’re considering how you can actually show up for what you've planned with ease and without scrambling.
Part 3: Monitoring – What About Those “Boomerang” Tasks?
Some tasks don’t belong on a day’s to-do list, but they still need to be tracked. Let’s say you file an insurance claim and expect to hear back in 6 weeks.
That’s what I call a boomerang task—you’ve done your part, but now you're waiting for it to come back to you.
Here’s how I handle it:
- Set a calendar reminder for 6 weeks from now that says “Follow up on insurance claim.”
- If I’ve heard back, I dismiss it. If I haven’t, I follow up.
That way, I don't need to carry that reminder in my head for 6 weeks. That's inefficient and exhausting (and I'm all about managing my ENERGY).
I only follow up when needed, so I don’t drain my brain trying to remember if I need to.
Habits Can Help You Use Your Time System
Habits take energy and effort to build, so be picky about where you invest that energy!
I recommend saving your habit-building effort for habits on how to your time system—like checking your planner, reviewing your day, and doing weekly reviews. This ONE habit will have a HUGE impact on your life.
ADHD-Friendly Planning Systems Are Flexible
One more thing: if you’re someone who gets bored of a planner or changes systems often—that’s okay. You don’t have to stick to one tool forever- you can (and even need to ) switch things up.
The key to doing that without dropping the ball is knowing the core components that every system must have:
- A way to collect information
- A way to retrieve and apply it
- A way to monitor important long-term or delayed tasks
As long as those three things are happening, the tools you use can change. Flexibility is the system!
Final Thoughts: What’s the Perfect Planner for ADHD?
There isn’t one. Not really.
But there is a system that works for your brain—and once you understand that, you can stop blaming yourself and start building strategies that actually stick.
If you want to dive deeper, check out my Overwhelm Flow Sheet to help you work your dump list in a different way, or take a look at my group coaching program—where we take all these tools and apply them in real life.
Thanks for reading. You’ve got this—and I’m here to help if you need more!
When I work with clients who have ADHD, I often use a simple analogy: your brain is like a car—and for many of us, it’s a manual transmission. Let me explain.
🚗 Two Kinds of Brains, Two Kinds of Cars
Think about driving an automatic car. You get in, start the engine, and go. Whether you’re heading up a hill, merging into traffic, or cruising along, the gears shift smoothly behind the scenes. You don’t have to think about it—it just happens.
Now, imagine driving a manual (stick shift). You have to feel the road, listen to the engine, press the clutch, shift gears, release, adjust—constantly. It’s not worse—it just takes more effort and awareness.
That’s what it can feel like to live with ADHD.
🧠 Executive Function and Mental Gear-Shifting
People with neurotypical brains often operate like someone who is driving an automatic transmissions. Their executive functioning skills like prioritizing, sequencing, initiating tasks, regulating focus—are handled unconsciously. For someone with ADHD, those same tasks might require more "manual" effort.
Every decision, transition, or new task can feel like shifting gears... uphill.
Many of us judge ourselves harshly for needing more support or structure, but if your brain needs a few more steps to shift gears, that doesn’t make it broken—it means it operates differently.
📝 “So You Teach People to Make Lists?”
Recently, someone asked what I do as an ADHD coach. When I explained, she looked bewildered and said, “So… you teach people to make lists?”
Ouch. As annoyed as I was with her response, I also understood that those driving cars with an automatic transmission may not understand all that their brains do automatically!
She wasn’t trying to be rude. She just drives an automatic transmission. She doesn’t realize that making and using a list requires a complex combination of executive skills like:
- Task initiation
- Prioritization
- Working memory
- Attention regulation
- Follow-through
For her, that process happens effortlessly. For someone with ADHD, it’s a multi-step skill that may require practice, tools, and coaching.
⚙️ Manual Isn’t Bad—It’s Just Manual
You can absolutely learn how to “drive” your ADHD brain well. You can:
- Build systems that support your executive function
- Use tools like dump lists and visual time cues
- Work with your brain instead of against it
And once you’ve practiced enough? Those once-difficult steps become smoother, even automatic over time. That’s the beauty of learning how your brain works—you stop stalling out and start moving with confidence.
🧭 People May Not Get It—And That’s Okay
If someone doesn’t understand your challenges, it may simply be because they’ve never had to think about them. They don’t see the gears shifting under the hood, because they’ve never had to.
It’s not always worth your energy to explain—but when someone’s curious and wants to learn, it can be a powerful opportunity for connection and understanding.
Just know: you don’t owe anyone an explanation to validate your experience. Your brain isn’t wrong. It just shifts differently- and it takes time to learn how to manage that.
✅ What Next?
If this analogy resonated with you and you want practical tools for “driving your brain” more smoothly, I’ve got two great places to start:
- 👉 Join my group coaching program to learn, practice, and customize strategies that actually work for ADHD brains.
Whether you’re shifting gears or just learning how your engine works—you’re on the right road.
Struggling to keep track of all the things? 😵💫 You’re not alone—and there’s a better way. In this video, ADHD coach and occupational therapist Donae introduces a powerful executive functioning tool: the Dump List Weekly Planner. This simple, ADHD-friendly system helps you organize your mental clutter, break down overwhelming tasks, and plan your week without burnout.Whether you’ve been officially diagnosed with ADHD, suspect you might have it, or just find adulting and executive functioning exhausting, this strategy is designed for brains like yours.
🔹 What You’ll Learn:
- How to use a "dump list" to declutter your mindWhy looking at everything every day is hurting your productivityHow to break multi-step tasks (like taxes and returns!) into doable pieces
- When (and why) to ignore your to-do listA system that works with your brain—not against it
Read more...ADHD in Girls: Why It's Missed and Why It Matters
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition, meaning it starts in childhood. But many women aren’t diagnosed until adulthood—if at all—because their traits didn’t match the stereotype.
They're more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD and may miss details or struggle to keep up. But if they’re not disruptive, their struggles can get overlooked or misinterpreted.
Instead of support, they get labels: lazy, sensitive, dramatic, spacey, etc.
Their History Has Been Replaced with Self-Judgment
Over time, they start to believe those labels. They may even go to great lengths to “compensate” for them; developing patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and constant hypervigilance that carries on to adulthood.
By the time many women reach out for support, they’ve spent years trying to “fix” things they thought were character flaws—but they were missed signs of ADHD.
Understanding the Past Leads to Present Solutions
When girls are missed, they grow into women who are still trying to make sense of themselves while carrying stories shaped by shame, misunderstanding, and self-criticism.
That’s why understanding the many ways ADHD can show up in girls is so important. Recognizing these traits early and getting real tools for ADHD can change everything.
Meet the Girls
To help paint a real-world picture, I'm introducing eight girls based on real-life experiences. Each one reflects different ways ADHD can impact everyday life:
Ellie
Ellie is sensitive and emotional. She cries easily, gets overwhelmed, and melts down- both at home and in school. At home, she’s explosive. At school, she tried holds it together—with varying degrees of success.
Her emotional regulation and impulsivity struggles are interpreted as her being “too dramatic,” and she’s losing friends because of it.
She needs support and tools to regulate big emotions—not messages that she’s “too much.”
Natalia
Natalia is social and makes friends easily—but her friendships are starting to falter. She interrupts, misses social cues, and doesn’t realize how her impulsivity is impacting others.
Natalia also has a hard time with working memory- so she interrupts because she knows she won’t remember what she wants to say if she waits.
One day, she overhears her friends saying she’s “annoying and selfish”. She’s heartbroken—and totally blindsided. She cares about her friends and wants to connect with them, but without context, her behaviors look inconsiderate.
Her impulsivity is misread as rudeness, but it’s a gap in executive functioning skills, not character.
Meg
Meg is a straight A student. Quiet, careful, and invisible. But under the surface, she’s constantly anxious. She leans heavily on a friend for help remembering what the teacher said, or understanding the homework instructions.
She’s exhausted by the end of the day—and no one sees it. Her anxiety has helped her compensate for ADHD traits. But the cost is high.
Her success hides her struggles— she’s silently suffering and on the path to burn out.
Jessie
Jessie has the hyperactive/impulsive ADHD profile. At home, she’s constantly in motion—flipping off couches, getting up during meals, unable to sit still. Self-care is rushed or incomplete, and everyday routines are a struggle.
In the classroom, Jessie rushes through work, makes careless errors, and is disruptive—often talking loudly, touching others, or even walking out mid-lesson.
While her behavior increases the likelihood of being identified with ADHD (because it’s so externalized and disruptive), Jessie often receives negative feedback: “too much,” “too loud,” “annoying.”
Traditional reward systems don’t work well for her, and this mismatch between her needs and the support available adds to the frustration and misunderstanding.
She needs tools tailored to her unique brain—not punishment for her wiring.
Shreya
Shreya also seeks out movement, but in subtler, more sensory-based ways. In class, she fidgets—doodling, folding paper, playing with shoelaces—not to be distracted, but to pay attention.
These stimming behaviors help her regulate and stay alert, though they’re often misread as disrespect or inattention. At home, she hums, plays with her food, or fidgets while doing homework, which can annoy others but is often unconscious.
Shreya’s brain seeks sensory input to stay engaged. When that input is suppressed—by discipline or shame—she loses a key self-regulation tool.
Supporting her means understanding her stims as adaptations, not problems and helping her problem solve if they get in the way of her neighbor’s learning.
Jada
Jada lives with both ADHD and sensory processing challenges. Her nervous system is highly reactive to things like clothing textures, bus rides, and noisy environments.
These constant sensory assaults dysregulate her, making it hard to focus, connect, or learn—even after the input stops.
Because she’s so often overstimulated, Jada may seem irritable, rigid, or controlling. Her day is marked by trying to cope with an overwhelming world, which leaves little energy for learning.
While sensory processing issues don’t always mean ADHD, they’re common together—and for Jada, they shape her entire school and social experience.
Faith
Faith flies under the radar with inattentive-type ADHD. In class, she appears low-energy, quiet, even sleepy. Though very intelligent, she processes information slowly, and when the classroom moves fast, she gets left behind.
This leads to discouragement and disengagement. By the time she gets home, she’s exhausted—emotionally and mentally drained—and often melts down.
Faith struggles not just with attention but with regulating her energy level. Auditory distractions make things worse; she can’t filter them out, so her focus and mental stamina plummet.
Faith isn’t lazy—she’s overwhelmed in an environment that moves too fast and too loud for her brain.
Lily
Lily is what some might call “a master of disaster.” Her spaces—room, locker, backpack—are chaotic. She loses things constantly and struggles to begin or complete tasks, despite motivation.
It’s not that she won’t clean her room or do her homework—it’s that she can’t.
Lily’s executive functioning challenges make organizing, sequencing steps, and remembering systems incredibly difficult. She often shuts down when tasks feel too big.
Adults may assume she’s defiant or lazy, but in reality, she lacks key skills and needs more support than peers her age. With scaffolding and skill-building, Lily can gain the structure her she needs.
Early Diagnosis is Key
This is a complicated issue. ADHD doesn’t have one “look.” It’s shaped by personality, social context, masking, gender roles, masking and more.
But what’s not complicated is this: when we understand how ADHD traits show up differently in girls, we can change lives.
We can stop missing the Ellies, the Natalias, and the Megs.
We can give women a way to reconnect with their childhood experiences and rewrite the stories they’ve carried for too long.
We can recognize that “doing well” on the outside doesn’t always match what’s going on inside and empowers girls with the tools they need to be successful.
