When I work with clients who have ADHD, I often use a simple analogy: your brain is like a car—and for many of us, it’s a manual transmission. Let me explain.
🚗 Two Kinds of Brains, Two Kinds of Cars
Think about driving an automatic car. You get in, start the engine, and go. Whether you’re heading up a hill, merging into traffic, or cruising along, the gears shift smoothly behind the scenes. You don’t have to think about it—it just happens.
Now, imagine driving a manual (stick shift). You have to feel the road, listen to the engine, press the clutch, shift gears, release, adjust—constantly. It’s not worse—it just takes more effort and awareness.
That’s what it can feel like to live with ADHD.
🧠 Executive Function and Mental Gear-Shifting
People with neurotypical brains often operate like someone who is driving an automatic transmissions. Their executive functioning skills like prioritizing, sequencing, initiating tasks, regulating focus—are handled unconsciously. For someone with ADHD, those same tasks might require more "manual" effort.
Every decision, transition, or new task can feel like shifting gears... uphill.
Many of us judge ourselves harshly for needing more support or structure, but if your brain needs a few more steps to shift gears, that doesn’t make it broken—it means it operates differently.
📝 “So You Teach People to Make Lists?”
Recently, someone asked what I do as an ADHD coach. When I explained, she looked bewildered and said, “So… you teach people to make lists?”
Ouch. As annoyed as I was with her response, I also understood that those driving cars with an automatic transmission may not understand all that their brains do automatically!
She wasn’t trying to be rude. She just drives an automatic transmission. She doesn’t realize that making and using a list requires a complex combination of executive skills like:
- Task initiation
- Prioritization
- Working memory
- Attention regulation
- Follow-through
For her, that process happens effortlessly. For someone with ADHD, it’s a multi-step skill that may require practice, tools, and coaching.
⚙️ Manual Isn’t Bad—It’s Just Manual
You can absolutely learn how to “drive” your ADHD brain well. You can:
- Build systems that support your executive function
- Use tools like dump lists and visual time cues
- Work with your brain instead of against it
And once you’ve practiced enough? Those once-difficult steps become smoother, even automatic over time. That’s the beauty of learning how your brain works—you stop stalling out and start moving with confidence.
🧭 People May Not Get It—And That’s Okay
If someone doesn’t understand your challenges, it may simply be because they’ve never had to think about them. They don’t see the gears shifting under the hood, because they’ve never had to.
It’s not always worth your energy to explain—but when someone’s curious and wants to learn, it can be a powerful opportunity for connection and understanding.
Just know: you don’t owe anyone an explanation to validate your experience. Your brain isn’t wrong. It just shifts differently- and it takes time to learn how to manage that.
✅ What Next?
If this analogy resonated with you and you want practical tools for “driving your brain” more smoothly, I’ve got two great places to start:
- 👉 Join my group coaching program to learn, practice, and customize strategies that actually work for ADHD brains.
Whether you’re shifting gears or just learning how your engine works—you’re on the right road.
Struggling to keep track of all the things? 😵💫 You’re not alone—and there’s a better way. In this video, ADHD coach and occupational therapist Donae introduces a powerful executive functioning tool: the Dump List Weekly Planner. This simple, ADHD-friendly system helps you organize your mental clutter, break down overwhelming tasks, and plan your week without burnout.Whether you’ve been officially diagnosed with ADHD, suspect you might have it, or just find adulting and executive functioning exhausting, this strategy is designed for brains like yours.
🔹 What You’ll Learn:
- How to use a "dump list" to declutter your mindWhy looking at everything every day is hurting your productivityHow to break multi-step tasks (like taxes and returns!) into doable pieces
- When (and why) to ignore your to-do listA system that works with your brain—not against it
Read more...ADHD in Girls: Why It's Missed and Why It Matters
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition, meaning it starts in childhood. But many women aren’t diagnosed until adulthood—if at all—because their traits didn’t match the stereotype.
They're more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD and may miss details or struggle to keep up. But if they’re not disruptive, their struggles can get overlooked or misinterpreted.
Instead of support, they get labels: lazy, sensitive, dramatic, spacey, etc.
Their History Has Been Replaced with Self-Judgment
Over time, they start to believe those labels. They may even go to great lengths to “compensate” for them; developing patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and constant hypervigilance that carries on to adulthood.
By the time many women reach out for support, they’ve spent years trying to “fix” things they thought were character flaws—but they were missed signs of ADHD.
Understanding the Past Leads to Present Solutions
When girls are missed, they grow into women who are still trying to make sense of themselves while carrying stories shaped by shame, misunderstanding, and self-criticism.
That’s why understanding the many ways ADHD can show up in girls is so important. Recognizing these traits early and getting real tools for ADHD can change everything.
Meet the Girls
To help paint a real-world picture, I'm introducing eight girls based on real-life experiences. Each one reflects different ways ADHD can impact everyday life:
Ellie
Ellie is sensitive and emotional. She cries easily, gets overwhelmed, and melts down- both at home and in school. At home, she’s explosive. At school, she tried holds it together—with varying degrees of success.
Her emotional regulation and impulsivity struggles are interpreted as her being “too dramatic,” and she’s losing friends because of it.
She needs support and tools to regulate big emotions—not messages that she’s “too much.”
Natalia
Natalia is social and makes friends easily—but her friendships are starting to falter. She interrupts, misses social cues, and doesn’t realize how her impulsivity is impacting others.
Natalia also has a hard time with working memory- so she interrupts because she knows she won’t remember what she wants to say if she waits.
One day, she overhears her friends saying she’s “annoying and selfish”. She’s heartbroken—and totally blindsided. She cares about her friends and wants to connect with them, but without context, her behaviors look inconsiderate.
Her impulsivity is misread as rudeness, but it’s a gap in executive functioning skills, not character.
Meg
Meg is a straight A student. Quiet, careful, and invisible. But under the surface, she’s constantly anxious. She leans heavily on a friend for help remembering what the teacher said, or understanding the homework instructions.
She’s exhausted by the end of the day—and no one sees it. Her anxiety has helped her compensate for ADHD traits. But the cost is high.
Her success hides her struggles— she’s silently suffering and on the path to burn out.
Jessie
Jessie has the hyperactive/impulsive ADHD profile. At home, she’s constantly in motion—flipping off couches, getting up during meals, unable to sit still. Self-care is rushed or incomplete, and everyday routines are a struggle.
In the classroom, Jessie rushes through work, makes careless errors, and is disruptive—often talking loudly, touching others, or even walking out mid-lesson.
While her behavior increases the likelihood of being identified with ADHD (because it’s so externalized and disruptive), Jessie often receives negative feedback: “too much,” “too loud,” “annoying.”
Traditional reward systems don’t work well for her, and this mismatch between her needs and the support available adds to the frustration and misunderstanding.
She needs tools tailored to her unique brain—not punishment for her wiring.
Shreya
Shreya also seeks out movement, but in subtler, more sensory-based ways. In class, she fidgets—doodling, folding paper, playing with shoelaces—not to be distracted, but to pay attention.
These stimming behaviors help her regulate and stay alert, though they’re often misread as disrespect or inattention. At home, she hums, plays with her food, or fidgets while doing homework, which can annoy others but is often unconscious.
Shreya’s brain seeks sensory input to stay engaged. When that input is suppressed—by discipline or shame—she loses a key self-regulation tool.
Supporting her means understanding her stims as adaptations, not problems and helping her problem solve if they get in the way of her neighbor’s learning.
Jada
Jada lives with both ADHD and sensory processing challenges. Her nervous system is highly reactive to things like clothing textures, bus rides, and noisy environments.
These constant sensory assaults dysregulate her, making it hard to focus, connect, or learn—even after the input stops.
Because she’s so often overstimulated, Jada may seem irritable, rigid, or controlling. Her day is marked by trying to cope with an overwhelming world, which leaves little energy for learning.
While sensory processing issues don’t always mean ADHD, they’re common together—and for Jada, they shape her entire school and social experience.
Faith
Faith flies under the radar with inattentive-type ADHD. In class, she appears low-energy, quiet, even sleepy. Though very intelligent, she processes information slowly, and when the classroom moves fast, she gets left behind.
This leads to discouragement and disengagement. By the time she gets home, she’s exhausted—emotionally and mentally drained—and often melts down.
Faith struggles not just with attention but with regulating her energy level. Auditory distractions make things worse; she can’t filter them out, so her focus and mental stamina plummet.
Faith isn’t lazy—she’s overwhelmed in an environment that moves too fast and too loud for her brain.
Lily
Lily is what some might call “a master of disaster.” Her spaces—room, locker, backpack—are chaotic. She loses things constantly and struggles to begin or complete tasks, despite motivation.
It’s not that she won’t clean her room or do her homework—it’s that she can’t.
Lily’s executive functioning challenges make organizing, sequencing steps, and remembering systems incredibly difficult. She often shuts down when tasks feel too big.
Adults may assume she’s defiant or lazy, but in reality, she lacks key skills and needs more support than peers her age. With scaffolding and skill-building, Lily can gain the structure her she needs.
Early Diagnosis is Key
This is a complicated issue. ADHD doesn’t have one “look.” It’s shaped by personality, social context, masking, gender roles, masking and more.
But what’s not complicated is this: when we understand how ADHD traits show up differently in girls, we can change lives.
We can stop missing the Ellies, the Natalias, and the Megs.
We can give women a way to reconnect with their childhood experiences and rewrite the stories they’ve carried for too long.
We can recognize that “doing well” on the outside doesn’t always match what’s going on inside and empowers girls with the tools they need to be successful.
Today, I want to talk about something I see often in my work: the sensory mismatch between parents and their children—and the guilt that can come with it.
When Your Sensory Needs Don’t Match Your Child’s
Kids can be a sensory onslaught. They’re tons of touch, noise, movement, energy—all day, every day. And if you're a person who experiences sensory input as overwhelming or even threatening, that constant flood of sensory input can be rough.
I hear this often, especially from moms. These are people who love their kids deeply, but find themselves touched out, overstimulated, and burned out. The guilt creeps in fast: “What kind of mom can’t stand being around her own kids?”
But here’s the truth: feeling overstimulated isn't a moral failure. It's not a reflection of your love for your children or your worth as a parent. If you're experiencing sensory overload, it's a "misfit" of the sensory input your nervous system can manage and your environment and there are things you can do to manage that!
Guilt Doesn’t Solve Problems—It Shuts Them Down
When guilt is in the driver’s seat, we tend to ignore the problem or push through until we reach the point of total dysregulation. That could look like:
- Shutting down
- Exploding in anger
- Disconnecting from your body or emotions, aka "freezing"
Whatever it looks like for you, once you’re dysregulated, you're in "reaction mode" and it’s pretty challenging to make conscious choices from that place. That’s why we need strategies to notice what’s happening before we hit that tipping point.
Modeling Self-Awareness Helps Your Kids Too
Here’s a reframe that might help: taking care of your sensory needs isn't just for you. You're also modeling self-advocacy and skills that build emotional awareness for your kids—those are things they’ll need for the rest of their lives.
When you say, “My body feels tight and my face feels hot, and that tells me I need a break,” you’re showing them what it looks like to notice the signs their bodies are giving them and listen to them. And that’s powerful.
So What Can You Do?
Let’s talk about real-world strategies you can try when you’re feeling overwhelmed:
1. Take a Sensory Break
Yes, it can be hard with young kids. It might require outside support from your partner, family, babysitter, or friends. But if you’re at your breaking point, a break isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity.
Create a plan for mini-breaks, even if it’s stepping outside for 2 minutes or doing a few deep breaths in the hallway.
2. Talk About It—Even With Young Kids
Use simple, body-based language:
“All the noise is making my stomach feel jumpy and my face feel hot. I need a little quiet.”
You might not get the response you hope for—your child might even melt down—but this is long-game parenting. The more you model emotional regulation, the more they'll internalize it.
3. Reduce Sensory Input Where You Can
Find ways to dial things down:
- Noise-canceling headphones
- Soft lighting
- Decluttering or hiding visual mess (yes, tossing toys in a bin counts)
- Picking the room with less sensory “clutter”
This isn’t about perfection. It’s about lessening the load, not eliminating it entirely.
4. Get Creative With Touch
If you're feeling "touched out," that doesn’t mean you can’t connect physically with your kids—it just means you may need to get creative. For example, you can offer deep pressure through play.
A game I used to play in OT sessions was the “pizza game”—rolling a yoga ball over a child like they’re dough, then adding pretend “toppings.” It provided calming proprioceptive input and allowed for playful connection without the constant climbing and grabbing that can feel overwhelming.
Understanding Proprioceptive Input: A Regulation Superpower
Proprioceptive input is sensory input to your muscles and joints. It helps your brain know where your body is in space and can help regulate your nervous system.
Things like:
- Stretching
- Jumping
- Pushing against a wall
- Carrying something heavy
- Doing a wall sit or yoga pose
- Getting deep pressure through massage
This kind of input helps whether you’re overstimulated or under-stimulated, and it's my go-to tool for both parents and kids. Try engaging in these activities together—it might help everyone in the house calm down and reset.
You Are Not a Bad Parent
I've said it once, I'll say it again (or 1000 more times): You’re not a bad parent.
A sensory mismatch with your child is just that. It just means the needs of you and your child are different. That’s nothing to feel guilty about—it’s human.
Many neurodivergent parents are raising neurodivergent kids. They’re learning together, adapting together. By taking care of yourself, you’re giving your kids a huge gift: the language, tools, and permission to care for their own needs.
Final Thoughts
If you made it to the end of this post, it means you care deeply. You’re working to understand your experience and supporting your children in the best way you can. That alone says a lot.
So keep showing up. Keep trying. Be kind to yourself. This is hard work—and you’re doing it!
Time management can be particularly challenging for those with ADHD due to a unique perception of time, which often feels more like guessing than knowing. While traditional tools like planners provide a starting point, they might not fully support individuals with ADHD who struggle with a reliable sense of time. This gap can make everyday tasks, from arriving on time to completing projects, more complex without additional strategies to bridge their time perception.
Integrating sensory tools into time management can significantly benefit those with ADHD. For instance, using visual aids such as timers or sticky notes helps to physically represent time, making it more tangible and easier to track. Similarly, auditory aids like personalized playlists can cue the passage of time more effectively than standard alarms, assisting in internalizing the progression of minutes or hours.
By connecting time to sensory experiences, individuals can better manage task initiation, transitions, and the tracking of time. Physical representations of time can help prevent the all-too-common surprise of realizing how time has flown by, thereby making daily transitions smoother. This approach not only eases the challenge of starting tasks but also minimizes overwhelm, offering a practical solution for those struggling with traditional time management techniques.
Read more...
