Your Stories Can Hurt Your Progress!
Not only do these shame-based stories wear us down, they move us far away from problem solving. That's because in order to effectively problem solve, we need to be open and curious. Curiosity comes with an open mind and on the hunt for new information. Self judgment is the opposite of openness and curiosity!
Going Back to School & Creating a NEW Story
Anna came to work with me because she planned to go back to school. She was undiagnosed in college and had lacked the tools she needed to be successful. She had “crashed and burned” her first time around (her words, not mine) and this experience left her feeling ashamed and unsure if she could ever be successful as a student.
Anna wanted to give herself every chance to do it differently this time, so we started to work together a couple months before the semester started. During that time, she laid the foundation she needed as a student. Her priorities included working on her sleep routine, developing a plan to eat regularly, creating a daily routine, and finding a system to keep track of her assignments and exams.
By the time school started, Anna had established these habits and she was quick to plug in to the support services on campus. As she neared the end of the semester, she was in a great place and her confidence was soaring!
The Unexpected
But then something we didn’t plan for happened; Anna came down with a nasty stomach virus. She missed an entire week of her classes. When she finally recovered, it was hard for her to get back to her new helpful routines. Before long, the end of the semester was approaching and she was behind on her assignments. She felt completely panicked and overwhelmed.
That’s when the old stories about herself started in. Her old stories said things like:
“You always end up in the same place, you’re behind again and you won’t catch up"
"Why is it so hard for you to get back to your routine? I knew this "new you" wouldn't last!"
"You’re going to fail this semester. You’ll never be able to change.”
By the time we met that week, Anna was in complete self judgement mode. There were several things we focused on during her session, but the first thing we did was challenge her old stories! Here's how we did it:
We Challenged Her Story With FACTS:
We identified the facts about Anna's situation so she could push back on the old stories! These were were the facts:
- FACT #1: She lost one week to being sick. This could happen to anyone and had nothing to do with ADHD!
- FACT #2: After being out one week, she was finding it hard to return to her habits. This is often true for those of us with ADHD. Rather than judge herself for this, we discussed how she could expect this, plan for it, and find strategies that worked for her brain when she had to "restart" habits after vacations, sickness, or other breaks. Even though returning to her routines was more challenging than she had expected, it didn’t mean that she lost the changes she made or that she wasn't going to be successful!
- FACT #3: She had given herself an amazing buffer by staying on top of her work up until this point. We took this opportunity to recognize all of the hard work she did earlier in the semester! This gave her the buffer she needed to be human now. She made regular decisions, week after week, that gave her the space she needed to handle the unexpected today.
- FACT #4: Even with the buffer, she was behind schedule and needed a plan to catch up. (And she was overwhelmed) After we challenged the old stories, this is what we focused on for the rest of her session. See more on how we did this below!
What We Did Next
We identified what she had left to do in the semester and broke those things down into smaller parts.
A part of breaking down these steps included estimating how long each step would take. We had to decide how much time she would spend on each step and determine if those steps would fit in the time she had left.
We also identified the steps that had the potential to lead her on "rabbit trails" and put rails on the amount of time she would spend on those.
For example, when we broke down her video presentation project, I asked her which steps had the potential to take on a life of their own. She doesn't love seeing herself in video form, so she recognized that she was likely to spend too much time re-recording her presentation in order to get the "perfect" recording. She decided to limit this by giving herself only three takes and choosing between those.
What We Did Last
Even though we had broken the steps down, Anne was still overwhelmed. She was seeing all of these undone steps at once and needed help to put "blinders" on so she could focus on just one step at a time.
*This is an important strategy if you’re dealing with overwhelm and can be done in different ways!
Anna and I approached this by planning for her to text me after she completed certain steps. Then we would celebrate each milestone before she moved on to the next.
What Was the Outcome?
Anna caught up and finished the semester strong. She received the grades she wanted, but she also gained something more important than grades.
She built new evidence that she can use the next time her old stories rear their ugly heads. When she's faced with an old story that defines what she "always does" or what is/ isn't possible for her, she can challenge it with this one.
Staying curious and non-judgmental when approaching ourselves isn't easy, but like any skill, it can be strengthened with practice!
This was helpful. I've been thinking about going back to school. I've been unsuccessful in the past and that loop has been playing in my head. Now knowing ADHD is present and has been the culprit to past failures, I too am trying to figure out how to manage my 'self' to be successful for the next attempt.
Thanks for sharing her story