Tolerating Undone — Learning to Trust Yourself When Everything Isn’t Finished
By Donae, OT & Executive Function Coach
If you live with ADHD, you probably know the feeling of always being behind. You set big goals and imagine the day when everything on your list will finally be “done.”
Here’s the truth: most of adulting doesn’t stay done.
Laundry, bills, emails, cleaning, we're usually in a cycle of managing life and it all comes back around. Big projects (like finishing a degree or renovating a kitchen) can be checked off, but the rest? It’s a cycle of keeping track, prioritizing, and showing up for what matters.
So instead of chasing the illusion of being “caught up,” let’s talk about what it means to trust yourself, even when things are undone.
Redefine “Done” as “Self Trust”
Ask yourself: What does trusting myself mean?
- Maybe it’s not paying late fees anymore.
- Maybe it’s showing up when you say you will.
- Maybe it’s making time for things that matter—your growth, play, and connection.
Set that as your goal, not checking off every task.
Expect to Keep Monitoring and Prioritizing
Part of the appeal of the fantasy of getting caught up is that mentally managing our responsibilities is hard! Adult life is a constant dance of deciding what matters most and getting those things done. If you struggle to keep track or prioritize (hello, ADHD), remember that those are skills. You can build them over time.
The key is learning to create systems that allow you to trust that you’ll get to what’s important (without needing panic mode to push you).
Get Real About Time
A to-do list that adds up to 48 hours of work in one day will overwhelm anyone.
Try estimating how long tasks take. You’ll get better with practice—and you’ll start to see how much actually fits into a day. (Spoiler: it’s less than we think.)
Try estimating how long tasks take. You’ll get better with practice—and you’ll start to see how much actually fits into a day. (Spoiler: it’s less than we think.)
Break It Down
Big projects feel impossible until you break them into steps you can actually do.
Instead of “redo the website,” start with “write the About page.” Seeing smaller steps builds confidence—and helps you keep moving.
Instead of “redo the website,” start with “write the About page.” Seeing smaller steps builds confidence—and helps you keep moving.
Don’t Look at Everything at Once
If you have ADHD, seeing every undone thing at once can be paralyzing.
Keep a “dump list” of everything, but only pull from it weekly. Each day, focus on a few priorities—not the whole mountain.
Keep a “dump list” of everything, but only pull from it weekly. Each day, focus on a few priorities—not the whole mountain.
Create Systems for Things Without Deadlines
We all have tasks that don’t scream for attention but still matter—like calling a friend or working out.
Set reminders, schedule them, or build habits so you can count on yourself to follow through, not just on urgent things but on meaningful ones.
Set reminders, schedule them, or build habits so you can count on yourself to follow through, not just on urgent things but on meaningful ones.
Include You in the Plan
Managing undone doesn’t mean pushing yourself until you crash.
It means creating space for rest, fun, and connection—because you’ll actually get more done when you take care of yourself.
It means creating space for rest, fun, and connection—because you’ll actually get more done when you take care of yourself.
The Real Goal
“Caught up” is a myth.
What’s real—and worth working toward—is trusting yourself to show up for what matters, at a pace that works for you.
What’s real—and worth working toward—is trusting yourself to show up for what matters, at a pace that works for you.
Your to-do list may never be done, but you can still feel grounded, capable, and in control.
If you are looking for more support in this area, here are some ways I can help:
Learn more here individual coaching | group coaching
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