Have you ever said yes to something you absolutely should have said no to? You don’t have the time, capacity, or even have the interest, but somehow you respond with:
“Sure.”
“I can do that.”
“Yeah, count me in.”
Then a few minutes later, reality hits: Why did I say yes to that? We'll call this situation 1.
Now think about a different scene. You have a deadline but you can’t seem to start until the pressure becomes intense enough that it’s suddenly real. Then, at the last possible minute, you do it. You can focus, power through and get it done. It works (but it’s exhausting, stressful, and usually followed by a crash).
Situation 3: You have a big project in front of you, but instead of last-minute focus above, your brain goes foggy. You freeze, space out or grab your phone and scroll. You might suddenly become deeply invested in some completely unrelated “productive” task, but can’t seem to begin the actual thing you need to do.
What These All Have in Common
At first glance, these 3 situations might not seem unrelated, but they often come from the same place: your nervous system's response to threat.
These don't present a physical danger, but they can trigger discomfort, uncertainty and pressure. To your nervous system, that can register as a threat and threats trigger automatic survival responses. When that happens, we often react rather than think through our choices. Logic takes a back seat.
The Four Nervous System Responses
Most of us are familiar with the idea that when we experience a threat, our body responds with fight, flight, or freeze. There’s also a fourth response: fawn. A fawn response is the "disarming of charm" - we feel safer by pleasing or endearing ourselves to others.
These responses are important in an emergency, but they don't come from our wisest self- they're automatic and protective strategies. For many adults with ADHD, these responses show up in everyday life in ways that get in our way.
1. Fawn: Saying Yes to Escape the Discomfort
Let’s go back to that meeting where someone asks you to take on one more thing.
Maybe you’re worried about letting people down or you want to be seen as helpful. You might already be carrying a lot, but in the moment it’s hard to accurately assess your commitments. If you're not sure how you're doing at work, there’s a familiar pressure to prove that you’re contributing, pulling your weight, or doing enough.
That moment can feel intensely uncomfortable and your nervous system reaches for relief. It finds the fastest exit out of the discomfort: make everyone happy! So you yes to the request.
That’s a fawn response and in the moment, it works. Everyone seems pleased. The tension drops. You get to leave the conversation without disappointing anyone. Your nervous system says, "Whew. We got out of that!"
The problem is, later on you'll have to deliver on the commitment you just made. But that's a problem for another day! Your nervous system is not especially interested in protecting "future-you". It’s built to help you survive this moment.
2. Fight: Deadline Mode
For some people, a looming deadline finally creates enough urgency for the brain to mobilize.
Before that moment, the task can feel abstract, distant, and impossible to start. Once the deadline is close enough to become concrete and threatening, the nervous system activates.
This stress can trigger intense focus, high energy, and action- one version of fight.
This pattern works (at least in the short term). If last-minute pressure reliably helps you start, your system learns to wait for pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you in the long run or sustainable.
For many of us, that effectiveness comes with a cost: stress, burnout, poor recovery, inconsistent performance, shame, and the feeling that you can “only” function under crisis conditions.
3. Freeze: Fog, Shutdown, and Not Knowing Where to Begin
Sometimes pressure leads to shutdown, not activation.
You look around at the mess, the project, the email inbox, etc. and take in everything all at once. Nothing sorts itself into manageable pieces and you start to panic.
Next you get foggy, start to feel stuck or even disconnected. You know the task matters but still feel completely unable to start.
That’s freeze.
Freeze can be especially confusing because from the outside it may look like you don’t care or you’re not trying. From the inside, it often feels more like being trapped in slow motion- you know something needs to happen, but you can't find a way to take to action.
4. Flight: Leaving the Task Without Leaving the Room
Flight doesn’t always look like literally running away. Often it looks like reaching for something else to escape the discomfort of the original task.
Below are some of examples of things that could be considered a flight response if you're choosing then to avoid feeling discomfort:
- You pick up your phone.
- You check email again.
- You clean a drawer.
- You look for a snack.
- You do some online shopping.
- You start a different project.
- You do something productive- but not what you want/ need to do.
These aren't always flight responses- you may even choose some of them strategically- started smaller tasks can generate momentum and make it easier for you to transition into something harder.
But sometimes these becomes a full side quest, and suddenly an hour is gone and you’re left wondering how you ended up doing everything except the thing that actually mattered to you.
Why This Matters
When you understand these patterns as nervous system responses, you stop seeing them as personal failures. You can recognize them as what they are; automatic protective responses that prevent discomfort, pressure, uncertainty, and overwhelm.
That doesn’t make the consequences disappear. Saying yes when you don’t have capacity still creates problems. Waiting until the last minute still takes a toll. Freezing still gets in your way. But when you understand the mechanism, it helps you choose a different response.
What This Can Look Like in Real Life
If you tend to overcommit:
Try buying yourself time instead of answering immediately.
You might say:
“I’d love to help if I can. Let me look at what I already have on my plate and get back to you this afternoon.”
Or:
“I need to check my current commitments before I say yes.”
Will that feel uncomfortable? Probably.
But it’s worth asking: which discomfort would you rather have?
The discomfort of pausing in the moment? Or the discomfort of spending the next week overextended, resentful, behind, or unable to follow through?
You may not be able to avoid discomfort altogether, but you can get more choice about when and how you experience it.
If you tend to rely on deadline pressure:
It can help to create smaller moments of urgency before the true emergency hits. Not fake pressure or stress, just enough structure to help your brain engage earlier.
That might mean body doubling, external accountability, shorter work sprints, breaking the task into visible steps, or setting a “starting line” goal instead of a completion goal.
If you tend to freeze:
The task may be too big, too vague, or too overwhelming.
Try shrinking:
What is the smallest visible action?
What would count as starting, not finishing?
What piece can I do without needing to organize the whole thing first?
If you tend to flee into side quests:
It may help to make the transition more intentional.
You can use a warm-up task on purpose (but name it as a warm-up, set a limit, and decide in advance what comes next). That way it supports momentum rather than becoming an escape hatch.
A More Compassionate Frame
Many “inconsistent” behaviors make sense when you understand the nervous system underneath them.
- You’re not irrational because you said yes too fast.
- You’re not lazy because you can only start when the deadline is close.
- You’re not fragile because overwhelm makes you shut down.
- You’re not failing because distraction wins when something feels too big.
These patterns can be noticed, supported, and changed. Change begins with understanding what your brain and body are trying to do for you and then building supports that help you work with yourself instead of against yourself.
When you can recognize, “This is a threat response,” you have a better chance of interrupting the autopilot. More trust in yourself starts not from never having these reactions, but from learning how to meet them with more awareness, more flexibility, and a lot less shame.
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